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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29179185">ouroboros (full circle)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/'>Anonymous</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Infidelity, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, POV Outsider, POV Second Person, from atsumu, m for mentions of sex, this is from a female's perspective</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 00:26:49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,167</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29179185</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>You are Suna Rintarou's girlfriend. You realize he's never moved on.</p><p>-</p><p>“Before we become a couple,” you say after your initial elation. “I need to know. There’s no one else, right?”</p><p>Suna raises an eyebrow. “Did I do anything to make you think that?”</p><p>You think of bleached hair and hooded eyes, Suna’s tense mannerisms and bursts of subtle emotion before mentioning nothing of your suspicions. “No. I was just making sure.”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Miya Atsumu/Suna Rintarou</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Anonymous</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>ouroboros (full circle)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>heed the tags please</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You meet Suna Rintarou in a bar. Later you learn that it was after a volleyball game, but in the moment he is simply one of many loud men wearing jackets and hogging the bar.</p><p>“He keeps looking at you,” one of your friends says, as you catch his eye for what must be the millionth time that night.</p><p>This time, he doesn’t look away. He smirks, as if he knows exactly what you’re saying about him and finally makes his way over.</p><p>He’s <i>hot</i>, you think. All tall, broad shouldered, and green eyed, with a jawline that looks like it could cut steel. “Hey,” he says. “What’s your name?”</p><p>The two of you start to talk, the night passing in a blur and eventually he takes you home, biting bruises into your collarbone and pressing fingers to every part of your body.</p><p>The sex is fantastic, better than just good so you leave your number, hoping for more.</p><p>He does call you, and you end up fucking multiple times. Once, when you’re watching him scroll through Instagram as you both lay in bed, you see him pause on the picture of a platinum blond man posing next to a plate of onigiri.</p><p>“Who’s that?” you ask curiously, even as he flinches at the sudden question.</p><p>“No one important,” Suna says, clicking his phone off and gently placing it on his bedside table. “Just an old teammate. You ready to go another round?”</p><p>When he fucks you this time it’s with the same slow, deep thrusts you’ve been getting used to but even you can tell that his mind is elsewhere.</p><p>You find out who the man on his Instagram feed is only a week later, seeing Miya Atsumu’s chiseled face and body on a two page magazine spread advertising Calvin Klein underwear.</p><p>When you finally connect the dots, you immediately look him up. Suna’s difficult to read in general but you’re curious about what had him so distracted that night, even if it comes as a blow to your ego, so it’s easy to just type ‘Miya Atsumu’ into a search bar and fall down an internet rabbit hole.</p><p>He’s also a volleyball player. </p><p>You look up his and Suna’s names together, and then you hit a gold mine.</p><p>Miya Atsumu and Suna Rintarou, Inarizaki class of 2013. Captain and vice captain respectively of their nationally ranked volleyball team before going pro and ultimately being chosen for the national team.</p><p>There are clips on the internet of their games and while in your initial curiosity about Suna you had watched only his plays, now you focus on both him and the blond setter in the MSBY vs. EJP Raijin matches.</p><p>The #atsusuna tag on twitter has quite a few posts. Not as many as some of the other volleyball dynamics, but still a sizable amount. There’s some fanart you scroll past but also pictures of them at games, the fire in their eyes as they glare at each other across the net and handshakes that look tight enough to rip someone’s arm off.</p><p>Their tight expressions don’t seem to give much away but as you continue to look, Suna seems almost… sad.</p><p>But that might just be you projecting or desperately trying to see something other than apathy on his face, so you put your phone away, satisfied with what you’ve learned.</p><p>You don’t mention Miya Atsumu to him the next time you meet, which is a date at a local restaurant.</p><p>Somehow the two of you have progressed to this, more than just a hookup, and your conversations go outside the realm of the next time you’re going to be together.</p><p>You tell him about your job, your life, your friends and in return he does a semblance of the same, rarely going below surface level.</p><p>On one of those dates, someone brings up high school. You talk about your braces, the club you were president of, and he discusses his volleyball club.</p><p>Miya Atsumu is only mentioned once.</p><p>You can’t help but wonder why, if at one point they seemed so close. So you venture out onto thin ice and pray it doesn’t crack.</p><p>“Miya Atsumu?” you ask. “He went pro right?”</p><p>Immediately, Suna’s expression shutters. The soft smile that had been playing on his lips disappears and his jaw tenses. “Unfortunately.”</p><p>You decide to drop the topic, unwilling to pry further on the off chance it makes things weird but continue to wonder what it is about Miya Atsumu that makes Suna break.</p><p>A few weeks after that date, he asks you to be his girlfriend.</p><p>“Before we become a couple,” you say after your initial elation. “I need to know. There’s no one else, right?”</p><p>Suna raises an eyebrow. “Did I do anything to make you think that?”</p><p>You think of bleached hair and hooded eyes, Suna’s tense mannerisms and bursts of subtle emotion before mentioning nothing of your suspicions. “No. I was just making sure.”</p><p>There are consequences to dating a volleyball player, especially one as prolific as Suna Rintarou. You keep your relationship under wraps, rarely go to public places without sunglasses and masks, and stay off each other’s social media. It’s a small price to pay really, because while you like Suna, you also know this relationship is probably doomed. </p><p>You want stability. He moves around for his job. Sometime you’re going to have to start talking about your futures together, the sacrifices both of you will have to make. But for now it’s smooth sailing, easy affection and getting to know each other, and you figure you’ll have fun while it lasts.</p><p>The beginning of the end is when Suna invites you to a national team practice. Neither of you have any idea if that’s allowed, but you decide to go on a day they’re not simply doing workouts.</p><p>“So you can see me play in person,” he says with a laugh. “And so you can meet some of my teammates.”</p><p>In the training facility, you take a seat on one of folding chairs placed at the edge of the court, arms crossed and leaning forward as you watch him go through drills and practice serves. At one point he plays a 4v4 with a few people, and you watch him leap to block and spike.</p><p>It’s interesting enough, and you find yourself mesmerized by Suna’s form as he goes through the motions. You watch his other friends too, seeing them hone their strengths and compensate for their weaknesses.</p><p>You also see Miya Atsumu’s signature blond hair, stringy with sweat as he runs around the court, the same as everyone else. Suna doesn’t <i>seem</i> to treat him strangely, acting in a way befitting two people who are teammates. Miya Atsumu does the same and for a brief period of time, you wonder if everything you’ve learned about him so far has been a misconception.</p><p>For the most part Suna’s teammates are polite and easy to talk to but something about Miya Atsumu puts you on edge, makes you chance a look at Suna out the corner of your eyes to see if he’s just as unsettled as you.</p><p>“So this is your girlfriend?” Miya Atsumu asks, brown eyes unreadable. It’s at this moment you are struck by how absolutely <i>huge</i> everyone here is and despite him actually being a few centimeters shorter than most of his teammates, his presence still seems to fill the whole gym.</p><p>Miya Atsumu has to tilt his head up the smallest amount to make eye contact with Suna, a feral smirk appearing on his face. “She’s pretty.” Something about the whole interaction feels off, but you remain standing there with a polite smile.</p><p>You thank him and his eyes slide over you in disinterest. “You’ve finally moved on, huh?” Miya Atsumu says, kansai drawl weighing heavy on each word even as Suna stiffens.</p><p>“Yeah,” he says, his previous slouch and relaxed stance gone. “I have.”</p><p>Something indecipherable flashes over Miya Atsumu’s face but he simply laughs. “If I catch you making out with her in the locker room I’ll kill you,” with a light tone, even as his eyes flash dangerously.</p><p>“That’s disgusting,” Suna scoffs. “Only you would be gross enough to do that.”</p><p>It’s only after the practice ends, when you’re waiting for Suna to finish showering that you realize what struck you as odd about the whole conversation with Miya Atsumu. </p><p>With all his talking and meaningful glances, he hadn’t ever addressed you directly.</p><p>It’s rude, even for a player as blunt and forthright as Miya Atsumu, and you mentally replay your time in the gym, trying to figure out if you did anything wrong.</p><p>“Ready babe?”</p><p>Your thoughts are interrupted by Suna finally arriving in front of you, changed into a clean pair of sweats with a gym bag on his shoulder.</p><p>“Yeah,” you say, and he holds your hand as you both exit the training facility.</p><p>“I’m sorry about Atsumu’s behavior,” he blurts once you’re in his car. “He’s not usually like that.”</p><p>“It’s fine,” you say, even though it’s very clear that it’s not. “Is there a reason he was acting that way?”</p><p>Suna bites his lip in an uncharacteristically nervous gesture, pale eyes still focused on the road ahead of him. “I guess I owe you an explanation, huh?” His voice is soft, contemplative.</p><p>You try not to look too eager, saying nothing about the fact that his whole demeanor changed with the mere mention of Miya Atsumu’s name. You had wondered before exactly what about him made Suna clam up and shut down and now that you were finally getting a chance to understand, you were more than just a little curious.</p><p>“So you already know we went to the same high school,” he says after a beat of silence. “We also hooked up a few times. He was one of my closest friends and my first love.”</p><p><i>First love.</i> Most people didn’t usually spend multiple days of the week playing volleyball with their first love.</p><p>“You don’t have to worry about anything,” Suna adds, as though he’d guessed your thoughts. “He made it very clear that he was straight after I confessed.”</p><p>You can only imagine the heartbreak he must have gone through. You try to imagine a high school Suna alongside Miya Atsumu, smaller than they are now with the last slivers of baby fat clinging to their cheeks. Did they make each other bentos? Kiss in supply closets? Hold hands when no one was looking? </p><p>“He missed out,” you finally say, hoping time had healed his heartbreak just as it had healed yours from partners past. “You’re an amazing guy and I’m lucky to have you.”</p><p>Suna gives a small smile, turning his head to look at you as he brakes in front of a stop sign. “I’m lucky to have you too.”</p><p>You took his words at face value that day. He had told you there was nothing to worry about, so you didn’t. In hindsight, you think even Suna didn’t know there was anything to worry about. Nothing Miya Atsumu did would have hinted at what happened next.</p><p>You showed up to a few more national team practices after that one, but only the ones where Suna knew they would be on the court- neither of you thought there was anything particularly interesting or impressive about watching a bunch of men lift weights or run on treadmill.</p><p>Somewhere in the middle of all this, Suna told you he loved you. You said the same. Despite what he thinks, Suna is easy to love. He’s kind and attentive when he wants to be and is surprisingly perceptive.</p><p>Miya Atsumu’s strange relationship with him fades into the background until Suna sends you a text one Saturday morning, the ‘can we talk?’ stark black against the white background of the speech bubble.</p><p>You say yes, trying not to jump to the worst conclusion.</p><p>As it turns out, you may have preferred a breakup to the truth.</p><p>He shows up on your doorstep with dark circles under his eyes and a trail of hickies on his neck, disappearing under his sweatshirt and trailing up to his right ear.</p><p>Suna meets your eyes and you just <i>know.</i> Your throat closes up and your knees go weak, clinging onto the door with one hand as you swat his outstretched arm away with the other.</p><p>“Why?” you say, head swimming and voice unsteady. “Why would you <i>do</i> that?”</p><p>“I didn’t mean to,” he whispers, eyes boring into yours in a silent plea to understand (you don’t). “We were drunk and he took me home-”</p><p>When you blink, the image of Miya Atsumu’s mouth clamped onto Suna’s neck appears imprinted on your eyelids. “That’s no fucking excuse,” you hiss, tongue numb but the words still flowing. Distantly, you realize the tips of your finger have gone cold.</p><p>“I know it’s not!” he says. “Please, I’m so sorry. I know you probably want to break up with me, but I love you. It was an accident, it won’t happen again, I won’t let it.”</p><p>It seems like he’s just saying words at this point, but all you know is that if he keeps standing in front of your apartment, looking like a kicked puppy and constantly apologizing, you’re going to end up doing something you regret.</p><p>“I don’t care,” you say, voice raised as you cut straight through his monologue. Suna wisely shuts up, eyes glassy. “You’re still hungover, aren’t you? Go home. And give me some space. I need to-”</p><p>What do you need? You have no idea. You’re already composing a text to your friends in your head, figuring out how to break the news to them that your perfect volleyball boyfriend cheated on you with some guy he screwed in high school. “I need space,” you finish lamely, fighting the urge to slap him. You’ve never seen Suna this destroyed in front of you and you think you almost prefer him unemotional and distant. You wanted him to open up, but not like this. Never like this.</p><p>“Yes,” he breathes. “Yes, that’s fine just… please forgive me. I love you,” he repeats, voice small.</p><p>“Go home,” you say tiredly, shutting the door in his face but watching him through the window, walking slowly and getting into his car.</p><p>Your friends think you should dump him. While before it could have been a toss up, now you <i>know</i> you’re too good for him. But he sends flowers to your workplace one day, and gives you enough money through venmo with a note to get food from that takeout restaurant you like.</p><p>It’s sweet but you curse Miya Atsumu in the dark recesses of your own mind, not revealing his identity to your friends for the sake of propriety and keeping the press clear of this scandal. You hadn’t liked him before but now you absolutely hate him, the taste of your feelings bitter on the back of your tongue.</p><p>Suna Rintarou is a cheating bastard. But Miya Atsumu is a snake, putting you on guard but still biting when you least expect it.</p><p>But you still think on the nature of your relationship, measure the good times against the bad before you make a decision. “I’ll give him a second chance,” you say out loud to yourself one night, feeling the weight of the words on your tongue. Ultimately it feels right, and Suna has been extremely respectful of your space.</p><p>A second chance. That’s all he’s getting.</p><p>It’s surprisingly easy to fall back into the rhythm of being a couple. But that doesn’t stop you from wondering when he goes out, when you see pictures of him on both his and others’ social media if he’s going to do it again. When you begin to doubt, you tell yourself the past is over and resolved, and Suna’s been better about letting you know his whereabouts, if only to ease your insecurities.</p><p>When he goes out for drinks another Friday, he makes sure to tell you. You spend the evening worrying and sleep fitfully that night. But when he comes over for your date the next day he’s completely normal, polite and loving.</p><p>Slowly your fear fades and you think you trust him again.</p><p>The National Team members don’t go drinking often- one occupational hazard of being a pro athlete is actually taking care of yourself. So one Friday night you end up watching a movie together, Suna’s arm draped loosely over your shoulder as you lean into him.</p><p>The movie you’re watching is an action film, and it’s in the middle of one of the heroes beating the crap out of a villain that the doorbell rings.</p><p>You thought it was the pizza. You did not think it was Miya Atsumu, standing outside Suna’s apartment with two hands stuffed into the pockets of his jeans.</p><p>“Oh. Hi,” he says, visibly deflating. “Is Rin- Suna home?”</p><p>Every negative thought you’d ever had about Miya Atsumu suddenly comes rushing to the surface and you resist the urge to slam the door in his face.</p><p>“Suna is home,” Suna says, sidling up behind you. “I thought I said I didn’t want to talk to you.”</p><p>“I know but-” Miya Atsumu runs his fingers through strands of platinum blond hair, struggling to find the words he wants to say. “Can we talk? Please?”</p><p>“There’s nothing to say.” Suna’s voice is low and steady, confident in it’s support. “I thought we already discussed our… relationship.”</p><p>You notice how he hesitates before saying that word, unwilling to define what’s going on with Miya Atsumu as something along those lines.</p><p>“We didn’t discuss anything,” Miya Atsumu says. “You just said we were both professionals and that you didn’t want to see me outside volleyball. You didn’t even let me say my piece.”</p><p>Suna laughs derisively, an ugly sound you’ve never heard before. “I don’t want to hear it. I know it’ll be just as selfish and disgustingly honest as everything else you say. You just can’t let anybody be happy without you, can you Atsumu? First your brother, now me.”</p><p>You distantly remember Miya Osamu, but this conflict is one you’d never heard of before. But you remain afraid to ask what any of this means, not when Suna and Miya Atsumu are so wrapped up in each other.</p><p>It strikes you then that though Suna loves you, it will never be in the way he loves Miya Atsumu. The whole thing’s something straight out of a rom-com, and you know you were never the leading actress but simply another plot device, present just for the sake of the film’s movement.</p><p>“That’s not what I want,” Miya Atsumu says. “I <i>do</i> want you to be happy-” his gaze finally drifts to you and he goes quiet again. “Rin, can I talk to you in private? Please?”</p><p>Suna looks at you as if expecting you to say no, to send Miya Atsumu away but instead you shrug, ignoring the roiling in your stomach.</p><p>“Fine,” Suna bites out. </p><p>They disappear into the bedroom and against your better judgement, you eavesdrop.</p><p>You can’t hear much from the other side of the wall, but you do hear Suna telling Atsumu to, “shut the fuck up,” before the voices fade into incoherency once again.</p><p>“But I love you!” Miya Atsumu eventually shouts and you flinch at the sudden volume. “I’ve loved you ever since then. I realize it now and I know you have a girlfriend but I really wish you’d give me another chance, Rin I’m so sorry-”</p><p>And then Suna shushes him. Once again, you fight the urge to throw up. </p><p>The last thing you hear is Miya Atsumu saying, “baby <i>please</i>,” voice cracking in pain and desperation even as Suna continues talking.</p><p>In that moment you feel a twinge of pity for Miya Atsumu. You know Suna would never cheat on you again and maybe Miya Atsumu knows that too, which is why he’s making such a dramatic attempt to get another chance with Suna.</p><p>Maybe in the future you would have broken up with your boyfriend organically. The both of you may have eventually parted ways, the strain of Suna being gone so often paired with your mundane life finally becoming too much to bear. Or maybe you would have gotten married and had kids, even as a tiny corner of Suna’s heart chipped away and remained reserved for a certain setter.</p><p>There’s no telling what could happen. But you know what will happen. You know as the both of them walk out of Suna’s bedroom, looking even worse than when Miya Atsumu had first shown up tonight.</p><p>Your boyfriend’s gone completely quiet, expression shuttered as he walks Miya Atsumu to the door as you pretend you’ve been in the sitting room reading a book all along.</p><p>“I think you should go home for tonight,” Suna says when the other man is finally gone. “I’m tired. Sorry.”</p><p>He doesn’t know that you’re tired too, in more ways than one- you hide it well. You had your heart broken by the same man twice now and you’re ready to just curl up under your covers and never come out.</p><p>But for tonight you’ll pretend everything is okay, that you and Suna are still in the honeymoon phase and going strong as ever.</p><p>You break up with him less than two days later, in the privacy of your home. </p><p>“I’ll be better,” Suna tries to say when you bring it up. “I want to treat you like you deserve.”</p><p>But you don’t want to spend the rest of your life wondering ‘what if?’ and you don’t think he does either. The piece of him that’s always loved Miya Atsumu has been dusted off and placed on full display, or maybe you’ve just gotten better at reading and understanding him.</p><p>There’s no heat in his defense of your relationship, none of the conviction that was there even the last time around. You wonder how you’d been oblivious for this long- some part of you wishes you had turned away when Suna first spoke to you, wishes you had never met him.</p><p>“I know you love me,” you say. “But not like you love him. So I’m letting you go.”</p><p>There’s that saying about letting go and waiting for the person to come back to you- if they do, they’re yours. Yet the truth in your bones is heavy and hard to handle, and you know that if you set Suna free now, he’ll never come back. </p><p>Eventually you’ll move on. You’re both young and you’ve never been hung up on someone in the way Suna has. Not everyone gets their romcom happy ending and you had come to terms with that a long time ago.</p><p>Maybe once the memories of Suna and Miya Atsumu stop stinging like an open wound and toughen into an old scar, you’ll be able to appreciate theirs, high school sweethearts brought together once again because of destiny.</p><p>“Thank you,” he says as a parting note, just before he leaves your apartment for the last time.</p><p>You’re not sure what he’s thanking you for. All you know is that you’re trying to remain understanding and polite even though you’re angry at both yourself and him for taking so long.</p><p>If Miya Atsumu had never slept with Suna that night, if he hadn’t gone to Suna’s high school, if he hadn’t been on the national team with him. Would you and Suna have lasted?</p><p>Maybe in another world you could have remained friends. But at this point you think you could be canonized as a saint for your handling of the whole situation, and you decide completely cutting off contact with Suna is something both okay and necessary.</p><p>You go through the motions- you eat your ice cream, you cry watching a rom com, you go clubbing to forget, and you block Suna on all social media platforms. </p><p>Three months later, after you’ve stopped wanting to tear every magazine ad with Suna Rintarou’s face on it to shreds, you decide to check up on how he’s doing.</p><p>His instagram profile picture has changed from a shot of him on the court to one of him and Miya Atsumu, cheeks squished together to fit in the frame. Suna’s smile is small, and Miya Atsumu is showing all his teeth but both look genuine, their eyes crinkled in happiness.</p><p>There’s no other indication on either of their profiles that they’re dating, save for the matching profile pictures. This supposed step in their relationship is an unfounded conclusion for anyone who doesn’t know them, but as someone who used to have front row seats to their shitshow of a love life, you know that they’ve finally gotten together, doing what they should have all those years ago.</p><p>Somehow, the idea doesn’t hurt as much as it used to.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this is definitely a more experimental fic for me, so please let me know what you think!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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